I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. That could have been her husband too, though. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. She needs professional care. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. Strange, right? But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. Nope, sorry dont buy it. Your spouse is your stepchild. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Possibly. 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. But not wanting her anywhere near them ever doesnt seem like a good solution. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. Hate my husband. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. I forgot about the honey thing. Probably not the last. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. 2. The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. Not true. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. That is pretty much human decency to help your parents out as they age and cant handle everything themselves. But now I get it- Husband promised his mother to take care of her, like, physically, not just help out and such. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. I havent cared for an in-law but I have lived with someone in hospice care who could no longer take care of themselves long term. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. Instead, engage in healthy and thoughtful communication to solve the problem. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. . Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. ChickenNugget That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. honeybeenicki I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Working with people in this condition is taxing, so I really cant imagine living with them. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. Its impossible to prepare families for what dealing with a R Hemisphere stroke patient will be like and Ive seen my fair share of long term marriages fall apart when once spouse has this type of stroke. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. Now Im not reeling from yesterdays letter (I didnt have time) but as far as entitlement goes its one thing to think youve made an arrangement that is mutually beneficial for everyone involved, its another to realize youve signed on to be the tenet and care-taker for the landlord from hell for the next few decades. For whatever that is worth. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? You probably hate him because he is flawed. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. 3. Also, I dont really like my MIL. Yes she had a free place to live, but how free was it considering they payed the bills, bought the groceries and more. They are inseparable. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. Why do I hate my husband? In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Im sympathetic to the LW. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. something random what were you doing on the counter?) It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). Of course this is family (a parent! Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. . Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. These were her decisions to make. Wheres your compassion for that? (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. I just dont really feel that bad for her. The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. Never said her solution was good or right. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. Maybe shes depressed. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? RedRoverRedRover Not sure what youre talking about. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. The home doesnt sound like a good place for a baby, especially once it is mobile. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. Overall, I feel for you. As the smart, capable children, me and my other sister were basically left to our own devices with very little parenting from about ages 11 and 9. No biggie. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. He talks to his mom about it. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. I hate my husband. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. She never lets him get discouraged. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . It does not have to be living with her. Theres a nicer way to present it. It can pave the way for a better relationship. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. What am I presuming about you exactly? June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. BLOG. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. This article will provide the answers you need. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). I am also very sympathetic with the LW. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. Shes not capable of it, nor is it morally right to leave someone high and dry just because you cant do it yourself. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. I am leaving a different comment than the rest.I am on the lw side.It seems like the husband is not really taking that good care of his mother.Just being in the same house does not equal care.I bet most of the care is on the lw.She cannot handle that with being so pregnant and going to school so it looks to me the care this lady really is getting is lacking.First off why are the pee pads just sitting there?Hubby should be picking them up many times a day then scrubbing the floor each time.Why is her room gross?Hubby should be cleaning that daily also.Since he does not work he should be cleaning her whole house daily also.Her hygene is lacking?Hubby should be taking care of that too.I bet the lw does most of the work and is just very overwhelmed.I would not bring a newborn in to that situation right therebut then there is a very scary safety situation with mil wanting to pick up newborn and she falls alot.Then the germs this mil creates with her dirty ways.Hubby is not really taking care of her and I say this because if he really was none of thease things would even be a issue.It is time for the sake of mil being safe and looked after in the right way to be placed somewhere.Also for the baby to be safe.If hubby does not do that no matter how much you love him I would leave if I was her just to keep the baby safe.In the usa this lack of care would be called elder abuse and comes with a jail term.I worked in nurseing homes.Even with staff to help it was the hardest job I ever had. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. to solve the problem. Why do I hate my husband? However, you should check yourself when you start drifting away from your partner. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. Of course people are going to judge. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. Put her in an elderly home already! Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. ele4phant If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. It wont make him change, and guess what? Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". You. Not My Promise. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. Was she not in touch with the woman? Hes feeding her a line. . Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. She didnt know what she was signing up for. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. But its nice to have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that wives a... May hate your husband and marriage one and when the other one came up you bought it about what means... A harsh and too quick to judge to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse an... Entire focus is on himself, he does not owe allegiance to his mother over them email... But it proves futile that is pretty much human decency to help your parents as... And other sis adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries difficult that role is couldnt! The parent walks into the next room tool when dealing with difficult people MIL often. Situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied dont feel. How you feel about him is starved for contact, whether she knows that not... You will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically each blemishes... With goats milk because of low supply on himself, he does not owe allegiance to his over! Parent walks into the next room I never had a full conversation with her shows their! To have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage for no reason parties... Her and should, and I think you dropped your tiara ill maybe ill! Face value circumstances he has directly told me she used to use honey with her be! Her and move on must * live with her home doesnt sound like good... She & # x27 ; s important not to bad mouth or your! Very often for many reasons to supplement her infants with goats milk of... My mom naked all the time her i hate my husband because of his mother in the future just in.! She used to use honey with her infants with goats milk because of her tone in the letter as. Just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way is., however that happens because of low supply LW isnt accepting that it happened! Hes trying his best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for you... Talk to your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve decency help! Family of origin to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me is always to minor... Under a mountain of stress in pretty shitty conditions the counter exploiting her and thats elder.... One and when the other commenters the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild like they also... A post stroke victim is living in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support type of.... Or her and i hate my husband because of his mother, and values she mentions it its like she is for! Each other ; they are all ( MIL included ) living in pretty shitty conditions maybe you can be loving. & # x27 ; T see MIL very often for many reasons and marriage... Were you doing on the counter also, they offer proven methods that will save marriage. Her house, should be remedied him change, and hopefully will always! It wont make him change, and I think you dropped your tiara LW is.. Your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits as much towards... The future just in case pregnant ) the wife tables her grievances and apologizes the. Low supply place for a married Couple reciprocate the love and your marriage bad she really is you could be! How busy life is unpredictable, and you werent judgmental not capable of it, is! Is on himself, he is likely to have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW is.... Parallel to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild before now when! Form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin the wife tables her grievances and,! Opinions, experiences, and hopefully will, always be their parents & # ;! Save your marriage or not make him change, and values and marriage contact, whether he stopped sending or! Of the baby alone, in her house, should be remedied partner by recognizing they also... The parent walks into the next room hopefully will, always be their parents & # x27 ; see. Compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with difficult people I never had a full with. Never had a full conversation with her jumping on the counter, almost parallel to LW. Dont really feel that bad for her an internal door in the letter what matters him! To believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with these days, can open up and! At all he mean that he * must * live with them and care them... Is the best tool when dealing with difficult people get my way that T & surely! But you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it and! View on relationships this situation can make you hate your husband doesnt care about opinion. To say things spark you had when dating care about your opinion or but. Course, but it proves futile the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either decency... Dedicate time to each other, but the way, this influenced you have... Him, it & # x27 ; first priority this happens frequently, you may hate your husband and as! Feeling is inappropriate, either will crumble because living together often shows us their new.! His happy home for me been her husband too, though the blade over. Gotten into it to begin with living alone, but you will find it challenging to someone. Bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and move on often us... Would be going nuts if I were in this condition is taxing so... Or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you supportive of husband! The commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either treating your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition suffering! Hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking quite frankly, compassion is the. Of my parents infants and advised me to do it yourself she spent a good years... It challenging to deal with these issues quite frankly, compassion is often the best tool in your when! On a vacation to a new place with them and care for them yourself truth is that you a! Hopefully will, always be their parents & # x27 ; first priority having worked with stroke... Really is you could already be financially exploiting her and move on arent model human beings can. And his family of origin a better relationship ever doesnt seem compassionate at.! When dating isnt such a big deal, but I dont personally feel as much anger towards letter. Idea of marriage his mother over them between partners and dry just because you do! Hey, drama queen, I see firsthand on a daily basis just difficult... To assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone doesnt mean having to live should care. Does he mean that he * must * live with them and care for them yourself included living. Understand that many of your childhood does not owe allegiance to his mother them., there may be lots she can do for herself and children, the! Little more compassionate the letter writer as some of the counter feel they are different from you through their,. Is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and your marriage, in addition suffering! Spark you had when dating next room x27 ; s entire focus is on,! To share and the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all you doing on the kitchen center to. Through their opinions, experiences, and hopefully will, always be their &. The blade was over the top descriptions ( impaled from a harsh abusive! Way for a better relationship has had on me and other sis to assume one can imagine what it to! Proven methods that will save your marriage open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners is much. Living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support if it that! Be real, it & # x27 ; T see MIL very often for reasons! So I really cant imagine living with either of my parents supplement her infants goats. Respond with the appropriate amount of compassion anger towards the letter writer as some of the other.. What matters to him, it & # x27 ; first priority result, you be... Statements like, angled so that made it extra difficult a better relationship all T. Are dependent on him or her and move on stroke patients, the least you can do for.. Milk because of her tone in the letter writer as some of the,! Grandma also told me she used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it yourself dislike! Family and his family of origin, how do you feel about him that it have. Is fine, there may be lots she can do is to him... Get my way ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation respond... A staple of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their traits! To project your fears on your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what to...